Stress /stres/  a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances” (taken from the Oxford definition)

 “I am stressed out”; “It’s so stressful”; “That stresses me out!”…..We all use this word in our day to day lives.  Stress is the common climate that we collectively find ourselves in, and the pandemic has made it worse.  No, we are not all in the same pandemic boat, but I write this for our profession, for you, the funeral professional.  Our stress often comes from the trauma and pace of the work.

Let me ask you a few therapeutic questions in the language of making this specifically for you, and about you.  This is where we start because, like the funeral vehicles we drive, if we don’t keep ourselves fuelled, we cannot function.  We do have limits and cannot run on empty.  We risk shutting down in an effort to conserve our limited emotional, physical and intrapsychic energy.  When we shut down we are not present for ourselves, our own families and friends and the ones we love, and certainly not for the clients we serve.   We short- change everyone, in addition to actually risking our own well being and having it become a chronic condition of disengagement and loss of our hopes and ideals.  We can then sadly do harm to ourselves and to others when we are shut down.  Ask your loved ones how they see your stress showing up.  You may be surprised by what they see and say.  They may see some blind spots, that you are not aware of.

So, back to the therapeutic questions here for you; What story are you telling yourself about your stress, and how do you relate to it?  Can you name your stress? Where do you feel it in your body?  This is called “interoception”,  and can lead us to self awareness and self regulation.  You’ve never thought about it this way?  Sometimes in our profession we spend so much time thinking about our bereaved clients, that we forget that we are human and need to pause and reflect on our needs.  Please take a few moments to really think about the above questions.  It’s all about you because that’s where mental health and self care start, with you, personally and quietly inside.  Take pause, be still and listen.

Now that you’ve named and located your stress in your body, how do you manage it so it doesn’t manage you?  The good news is that this puts you in charge.  The bad news is that it puts you in charge and that we sometimes have to do the opposite of how we feel in the moment.  As we’ve identified, stress can be found in our bodies, so movement is the easiest way to help ourselves there.  Getting our heart rate up for 30 minutes, even while walking, can help to metabolize the stress hormone called, ‘cortisol’ that rushes through our arteries and veins.  Author Laura van Dernoot Lipsky discusses this in her book “Trauma stewardship”, and “The age of Overwhelm”.  Prolonged exposure to cortisol harms our bodies.

Can you name 9 things that you can do, things you enjoy doing, deep diving into, that help you to you feel balanced, rested and vital?  I have been led through this exercise by my colleagues at “Being Here, Human”, Rachelle and Michelle.  It’s harder than you think, and more liberating and life giving than I could imagine!

Take good good care….you are Essential!

The Canadian Funeral Peer Support answered the call for peer support across the country, in 2018. Branches formed across Canada in many provinces, pre-pandemic, and in-person casual meetings were being held.

Now called Funeral Professional Peer Support, the branches reach out across North America. There are meetings online and you can access meetings from anywhere. You can read about them at www.funeralspeersupport.com.

You can also follow them on FB https://www.facebook.com/funeral.professionals.support

And on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/funeral.professionals.support/

Christina Walton is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and licensed Funeral Director. Christina is the host of The Funeral Professional Peer Support’s Podcast, “Stronger Together”. She has a private therapy practice and is the president of The Children’s Grief Foundation of Canada.

**this article first appeared in The Canadian Funeral Director Magazine, Spring/Summer, 2021 Issue.***